Stillness, Silence and Aloneness, Oh My!

Here is a comment on my "3 Easy Steps to Getting Clarity" post


Does the thought of meditation scare you?

Stillness, silence and aloneness, oh my!
Stillness, silence and aloneness, oh my!
Does the thought of sitting still make your skin crawl?
Stillness, silence and aloneness, oh my!
Stillness, silence and aloneness, oh my!
Does the thought of being alone make you want to cry?
Stillness, silence and aloneness, on my!


My business mind could not be still, nor allow being alone and not thinking.  I took pride in my multi-tasking ability.  Raising a family, running multiple businesses, designing buildings and luxury properties, throwing parties, spending time with friends, attending charity events, and volunteering at my children’s school meant not time for such things. I was living the dream.  

As a child I was quiet and compliant. By putting my energy into playing sports I received some validation. I learned early on that by doing, by getting up early, by working your fingers to the bone it was a measurement of your worthiness.  So I put myself through college, working hard, trying to prove to myself and others that I was worthy.  Not knowing myself, decisions were based on input from other people. I spent a good portion of my life creating places, businesses, planning events and controlling situations to ensuring my life looked a certain may.

To me, being alone was a pathetic place of nothingness. It use to scare me enough to make me cry just thinking about being alone.  I didn’t need to be with people 24/7 but having many people in my life was important to me. Certainly, I was alone at times which was okay but I would plan an event or find ways to bring my team or friends together. Having a group of people I cared for meant they cared for me and the more I had the better I felt about myself. I became really busy creating the life I thought I wanted or the life I should have. Other people’s happiness became a gauge in which I measured myself and my own happiness. I had no idea of what I really wanted or what brought me joy other than the happy faces I saw in the people around me.   

I was successful and creative in my efforts but rarely did I feel acknowledged, appreciated or loved.  After creating so much beauty in my life and having what I would consider success, I was still depressed, lonely and incredibly sad.  No amount of money, jewelry or success made me happy nor did I feel any more validation or worth. I was still feeling alone.

For years I saw therapist and read every self-help book. I continued to seek out the answers through every means available to me including hypnosis, journaling, dieting, (oh if I was just thinner I’d be loved)  but I did not understand what was wrong with me.  I considered antidepressants but I wanted the answers to the problem, not a drug.  I was scared, hurting, depressed and I felt lonely. I went on creating more and doing more, hoping this would bring the love, the trust, and the life we wanted together.  No amount of work or creating made a difference and my marriage came crumbing down.

Without a partner, someone to count on, someone to fill in the proverbial “in case of emergency” line on documents I felt alone.   Honestly I am not sure I really felt it I was just afraid of what that meant in my own eyes.  Being alone meant such an ugly tale and meant no one loved me.  I felt the need to be acknowledged in having a relationship.  Sounds weird, but I didn’t want to be the single girl when all her friends were in relationships.  I felt pathetic in family photos without a man standing next to me, validating that I was worthy. Exhaustion, numbness and a sensation of living outside of myself became my new existence. I started to mediate because multiple doctors said “slow down, reflect and mediate”.  I n the past I had tried it, including hiring someone to help me as my mind just would race. This time the need was more urgent.

A turning point for me was learning a releasing technique called the Sedona Method which is a form of meditation. This is when I began to discover who I was and started to deal with my fears of being alone and what that meant to me. Clarity came gradually and seemed to be in tune with how much I spent releasing, meditating and allowing.  With clarity came tears and cleansing of things that I needed to let go of and allow them to be as they are.  It’s not easy but it has gotten easier with practice.  Now I am able to recognize the feeling of needing to be alone and I enjoy my time alone reading a book or doing absolutely nothing.

There is nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with you and what we all seek is pure love from ourselves.  From learning about life lessons in numerology, releasing and meditating, I know now this was part of my life path. What I have learned is that answers come from your heart not your mind.  The ego is strong and your mind can trick you into thinking there is something to fear. 

Are you afraid of ghoulish answers that will be revealed in stillness and silence?  Fear not! As clarity, love, joy and peace will come in time.   With meditation and years of mentorship from my dear friend Kim and from spiritual guidance by Tricia Gunberg, clarity, love, joy, peace, and all the things I have been seeking are now unfolding.   Thank you to these two wonderful mentors I feel so blessed.

Happy Halloween! Do not let your mind trick you, instead treat yourself to some alone time.

Beverly Vaughn