A Gift for Yourself

This could make you sad or even cry, if you're not in the mood for that today, come back another time. It is an older post with an update.

I awoke recently with a very pleasant feeling. The feeling was almost overwhelming. It was similar to falling in love. Bliss, maybe? Before I opened my eyes, I search my brain for what could have stirred up such an emotion.

A wonderful dream.

I play it over in my brain, putting it in order. Three men stared in my dream. One is an old classmate, Curt. The second man, I do not know, appeared only one time standing between the other two men. The last is a very tall blond, we have just started dating. I know he was the one who sent me into bliss.

I am in a dimly lit tunnel. Everyone around me is rushing. I feel the need
to get somewhere too.  A familiar face comes into view, it is my friend Curt.
He is here to help me.  But no! He violently slams me to the ground.
Everyone is gone and I cannot get to where I need to go. I am sad,
broken and naked. Aware of my nakedness, I search for clothing but
cannot lift my arms to put it on. The tall blond man appears.
He helps me to my feet. Standing naked in front of him,
he dresses me. There is a smile on his face.  
I am in a clothing store, the three men appear at the front. I notice it is Curt,
another man and the blond I had been dating. Memories of the tunnel
fill my head. I want to avoid Curt but I need to avoid the blond man
more. He had seen me sad, broken, and naked. Embarrassment
and shame rush in when I recall the smile on his face.
I sneak around toward the exit, I am almost there when
someone grabs my arm. It is the blond man. He is smiling that
smile again. It feels different this time. “You are smiling that smile,
what does it mean? Why do you smile at me like that?” He says;
“I have seen all of you; your pain, your hurt, your broken bones.
I have seen all of you and…
I love you.”

The dream ends with him about to kiss me thus creating that blissful feeling upon me as I woke. The men represent my past, present and future. Curt represents my past self, the one that slammed me down to the ground when I needed to do something important. The man I don’t know, is my current self. The blond man is my future self. He represents the bliss I can feel if I allow myself to be vulnerable.

I found many meanings in this dream but the main message is clear: your future holds bliss if you can allow yourself to be vulnerable. What a gift I have been given with this message.

Give yourself a gift and listen to your dreams, both in wake and sleep.

Update: The past has recently slammed down again in wake because I allowed myself to be vulnerable. The pain from allowing yourself to be vulnerable (true authentic self) is not for sissies. It helps if you think of the pain as not being yours(detachment). Treat it as if it does not belong to you. Observe it without judgement.  Allow it, as you would a toddler, to have its tantrum. It will pass. It will pass. Your vulnerability has a beautiful side effect. It helps you see who you can trust. (yourself) Feelings of irritation and annoyance with people and situations have already clued you in but you have not learned to trust nor understand all of your emotions/feelings yet- do not be angry at yourself for this realization. If you have had many warnings,do not be upset about this either. It is your job to love and trust…it is your natural state, a blissful state- yes?   

Vulnerability, if you let yourself be so, will set you free.   


Love and Light,

Are you trying to avoid anything?

Each of us has something that makes us shudder. Something that we take great effort to avoid. Do you know what that is for you? I'm not talking about spiders or snakes. Nor anything physical for that matter. I am referring to difficult things we need to embrace to further our growth and abundance. For some people it could be change (Numerology defines this as issues of Freedom and Discipline). For others it could be perfectionism (Numerology defines this as Vision and Acceptance). The thing for me is: vulnerability (Issues of Trust and Openness). This realization came to me after I was told that my heart chakra required some strengthening. Specifically, it needed to be more compassionate. 

So what does vulnerability have to do with sympathy for the suffering of others? What is the connection? In order to trust others, we need to trust ourselves. We need to open our heart and take emotional risks. And get this; we need to share feelings. Yikes! When you share your own suffering, others are able to share theirs. You begin to see that we are all going through many of the same things, thus creating compassion.

Numerology has taken me far in creating compassion but its birth place was during some self-actualizing exercise to strengthen my heart chakra. I had come across that word vulnerability. It had created such a burdensome physical response that I needed to give it some attention. As I began to write down my feelings it flowed somewhat naturally into a poem.

 This is dedicated to my sister Bev, for she now knows how this is important.


V  u  l  n  e  r  a  b  i  l  i  t  y

This word makes me quiver
This word makes me quake
Scary, scary, scary
The same as an earthquake

To avoid this seems imperative
To avoid this is my chief desire
Disturbing, disturbing, disturbing
Akin to setting yourself on fire

I keep busy to allude it
I keep busy to dupe its fate
Creepy, creepy, creepy
Resembling the opening of Hells Gate

It is a situation that I do not embrace
It is a situation that my attention I do not intend
Awful, awful, awful
Identical to the death of a dear friend

It keeps at me in relationships that are eventually evaded
It keeps at me in council and in verse
Atrocious, atrocious, atrocious
Like an evil curse

The need to deal with it resonates in my body
The need to deal with it is crystal clear
Painful, painful, painful
Comparable to manifesting my worst fear

And so, I bravely ask for help and soon after, ask for faith
And so, I begin to comprehend
“We are here! We are here! We are here!
I now follow the guidance my angels send

I am not afraid of it anymore
No more pain, no more evading, no more dread
“You are safe! You are safe! You are safe!"
Victory is in my head


I dare you to be vulnerable. I double-dog dare you!

All my love and light,