I’ll tell you this story so you can decide for yourself.
As all the stories I tell have lessons, this lesson has not fully hit me as I am in the midst of it. Still crying about it and not sure how to process all of it. STILL worried about how to handle it after all of this time. Mostly, the message is an extension of the message from last week: Speaking your truth, being true to yourself, etc. This is a difficult thing to do. I know. Living my truth is what this story is about, well that, and so much more.
The worst day of my life was May 3, 1986.
I was a high school junior, finishing the school year early in order to not have final exams interrupted by my pending situation.
Without knowing it, on this day, I pledge to be angry at myself for the next 30 years. Using it as fodder for self-loathing whenever I needed it. It is hard for me, now- (today especially) to call what occurred a mistake. Actually, it feels really, really wrong to think of it that way but, for the majority of 10,950 days…all of my adult life…I have taken every opportunity to beat myself up about it.
Here are some examples of my self-loathing rituals:
I am still paying for college because I didn’t enroll right after high school because my life drama made school hard for me and I wasn’t college material at age 18.
The right men were not attracted to me because of what I put my body through at too young of an age.
I am an embarrassment to my family because of what I did.
People in my life do not respect me because of how I handled the situation.
I feed myself this bullshit for 30 years.
Then comes why May 3 is now the best day. Oh, wait, I didn’t even tell you exactly why May 3 was my worst day and I want to skip to the best day part. I’ll get to that. May 3 is now my best day…..
……because I honored my heart even though people tried to stop me.
…..because even though I didn’t love myself that much, I sent my love outside of myself AND it boomeranged.
…..because at age 16, I understood unconditional love even though I had not fully experienced it myself.
Where was I on May 3, 1986? What was I doing? What did I do to make it the worst day, you are wondering?
I was standing just outside a large glass window, looking at the most beautiful baby boy I had ever seen, saying my good byes.
Upset doesn’t begin to describe what I was going through. It wasn’t the decision to put my son up for a adoption that was as upsetting to me as the fact of what I had done, getting pregnant that is. All the pain I was causing to all involved, and the incredible amount of shame. Then to see him, all cute, pudgy and innocent, what about him?
Here is where it gets good.
He is good.
He is very good.
He has a loving family and is enjoying his life.
How do I know this?
He found me a few months ago and we have been talking ever since.
So TODAY, on his birthday, May 3 2017, I for the first time, I'm able to tell him directly, “Happy Birthday, I am glad you were born.”
I can’t be sorry, he is just too beautiful of a soul.
I can’t call what I did a mistake. He is a caring, intelligent man- that is no mistake.
I went against what most were telling me to do back then. I had two strong supporters but most were reluctant, some resentful, and others straight-up rude and disrespectful towards me and my decisions. I listened to my heart, I am so glad I did. Not succumbing to the pressure from others on how to make a decision for myself and my son was difficult but so worth it.
I sent him love every day, never knowing how, when, or if it would be returned.
Now I can start doing that for myself.
May 3, of every year will remind me of this and is now my best day, my most favorite day of the year.
I hope I have inspired you to love yourself a bit more, be yourself a bit more, or even start respecting other peoples’ choices better.
I have learned something else, what I know to be TRUTH:
No human on this earth is a mistake. Every human being on this earth is entitled to unconditional love.
Love and Light,